I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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