Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
