Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
