I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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