my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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