Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
