saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up under a house in Key West
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
