so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
