my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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