So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
