Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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