What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My bed is full of blood and feathers
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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