we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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