I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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