I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
