Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
