Need sex. Gaining weight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize