If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
