he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
