so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
