Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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