I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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