Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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