Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
