When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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