my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Less talking, more tequila
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
