Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
