Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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