if you like me you must not know who I am
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He? As in you personified your dick?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
