and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
