Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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