I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
vagina is talking i cant
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
