I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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