Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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