I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
