Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
