it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
