EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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