good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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