and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
