Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
