he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
