You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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