Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
