I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
