I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
