Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
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