I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
