I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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