I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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