it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
