im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
