Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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