I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
