If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
